Thursday, March 8, 2012

Love Beyond the World

The other night I was reading William Penn’s Fruits of Solitudes (kind of geeky I know).  He can be described as a Quaker Ben Franklin.  The book is his thoughts on a variety of different subjects and his experiences.  I was reading the book because I was looking for some 17th century wisdom regarding death of children and how to go on with your life. 

I came across this section in his chapter Union of Friends.

They that love beyond the World, cannot be separated by it.  Death cannot kill, what never dies.

I take some solace in these two lines of wisdom.  I know that I loved Jake beyond the world. 

When Jake was little we used to play this game…I’d say “I love you more then the leaves on the trees,” and his reply was “I love you more then the sand in the sea” then I’d say I love you more then all the moons and the stars.”  And his answer was “I love you to infinity, and I win because there is nothing more then infinity”  To which I’d reply “Not possible because I love you more.”

Over the years we got out of the love you more game…though we still did a short version into his teenage years.  I think he thought it was silly but I was hoping that one day he would carry on the game with his own children.  

I sat down to read with the Littles to read and Guess How Much I Love You was one of the books that they chose.  I could barely get through it, tears streaming down my face as I remembered the game that Jake and I shared to show that my love was beyond the World.  


Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Bargaining for Tomorrow

"There is nothing of which we are apt to be so lavish as of Time, and about which we ought to be more solicitous; since without it we can do nothing in this World. Time is what we want most, but what, alas! we use worst; and for which God will certainly most strictly reckon with us, when Time shall be no more." William Penn

I haven’t slept very well since we got the Littles and after Jake’s death my ability to sleep has just gone to hell.  Little #1 doesn’t sleep through the night yet and once in awhile Little #2 wakes up just as I get Little #1 back to sleep which makes sleep a rare commodity at my house. 

But tonight, I was woken up by someone else crying, my partner.  He has been taking the death of Jake hard. He’s at the bargaining stage of grief.  (I’m still in denial).  He seems to be asking himself  “What if I would have stopped him from leaving that night?” “What if I had tried to talk to him more?” "What if ....?" But nothing can change what happened, no amount bargaining or pleading to wake up from this horrible dream, nothing can change the reality of Jake's death. 

I also think the “I’ll do it tomorrow” attitude that a lot of people fall prey to has hit him.  You all know that attitude…I’ll talk to him tomorrow, or I’ll make everyone sit down for dinner tomorrow, or I’ll try to be more involved TOMORROW.  You always think there will be a tomorrow but sometimes tomorrow never comes.  Sometimes your chance at tomorrow ends with a 4 am knock on the door and two police officers looking grim.  

Maybe we can learn from Littles and their demands for the NOW…maybe we can learn to stop and do the important things NOW as tomorrow may never come.


Friday, March 2, 2012


18 years ago I started on the this amazing journey...

I learned how to dance the mommy dance with my son Jake and that mommy dance has led me to open up my heart to foster children.  Unfortunately on Tuesday February 21st Jake was killed in a tragic car accident.  He was 18, four months away from graduating high school.  He'd been accepted into college and had decided to be an accountant.

The last thing I remember him doing for me was making me a cup of tea.  Exactly how I liked it..with a splash of milk and a scoop of sugar.

I love my son so much...and every day it seems like my heart is breaking even more.  I miss his friendship, I miss his snark, I miss his help, I just miss HIM.