Motherhood

I want to talk about being a mother today..I'm not talking about the kind where you just donate the egg and think that's all there is too it...I'm talking about the kind where you sacrifice..
You sacrifice your time, your energy, your ability to sit down because you love the child so much.

I'm writing this post standing up and on my EVO because LO needs a nap..I tried laying her down and she promptly woke up..so I threw on my sling and I'm doing the mommy hip swing. (You mommies know the one I'm talking about...I figured I'd have to relearn it when I decided to take in LO but surprise, surprise its like riding a bike, you don't forget.)
And so I'm standing in my kitchen, listening to the sound of sweet snoring...I have plenty of things I could be doing..laundry, cleaning, bookwork, my expense report, but its more important to me that LO get her nap. I'm sacrificing! And loving it!
Attachment Parenting seems so daunting to some people. When you tell them that you babywear they look at you like your crazy..I try to explain how important it is to babies, but their response generally is to tell me I'm going to spoil her.  I know better...even though my son is shy he's not spoiled, he does what I ask him to do..he helps when I need it.
People think its forever, what they don't realize is that attachment parenting isn't helicopter parenting, The whole goal of attachment parenting is to create independence.  It's a type of parenting the teaches your children to be independent responsible teenagers and adults.  And isn't that what we as parents want?  To raise babies that grown into well functioning adults? 
Maybe during this new decade, this new year we should focus more on being attached to our children then on wars, terrorism, and the Jones'.  Maybe we need to live more simply and stay home loving our babies...
What do you think?  Are you a parent that practices attachment parenting?  Do you want to  live more simply this year?  Let me know in the comments below!

the end

So this tonight is the end of the decade...we are moving into the adolescent years of the 21st century.
If you'd asked me last year what my life would look like in a year I wouldn't have guessed I'd be called GiGi, or sharing a bed with LO.

I knew my son would be driving but I didn't think he'd be hanging out with the girls basketball team...videotaping games..

I never imagined I'd be listening to kids music again, or learning sign language, or using cloth diapers

 

or going to LLL again, or babywearing...

or using a exersaucer

But I am, and I'm enjoying every minute of it...even though I've had to drop LO off at the jail so she can have a visit or had unwelcome visitors at my house for hours on end. I even blogged everyday for a month. I've made new friends like Jennie and Beth (who supplied my babywearing fetish) and Lisa and all the Green Bay babywearers. Or Tara (@wolf_mommy) or Curtis (@blackgaykendoll)!

I hope in the next year, it gets finalized so that LO gets to stay with us permanently. That my son decides where he wants to go to college, that everyone has a good year.

Saturday Chaos!

So once again its 30 minutes till the Sunday and I haven't even started on the blog.

I had a great morning with the little one this morning only to have the afternoon turn into a screamy fit..my plans of doing some shopping for myself didn't work out.  Every time I put her down to sleep so I could get ready to go, just ended with screaming and upset...I did get a bit testy with her and DS..We finally got out around 2pm and I got a chance to buy two Daily Tea outfits for her.  I know Daily Tea is expensive, but I love their line.  They are feminine yet don't overwhelm you in the pinkness that baby girls tend to get stuck with.  I needed to pick up some new pants for myself as I have lost to much weight to continue wearing my old pants but I didn't get a chance to get to Kohl's. 

We had Thanksgiving dinner with family tonight, which was great.  Its always nice to get together with family and talk and eat great food.  My son went with us and I can honestly say I think he actually had a good time.  He ate a lot, almost seemed like I never feed the boy!  Everyone loved the LO's sling and thought that babywearing was neat.  Of course there wasn't much babywearing as everyone wanted a chance to hold her!

I just got little one off to sleep and I would like to get some rest because tomorrow is grandma visit day which really just drags on me..

Goodnight all!

Babywearing and Big Glasses!

Our babywearing group (Green Bay Babywearers) met today at a great restaurant called Kavarna's.  I love getting together with this group of ladies...we are all crunchy in our own ways.  We tend to just take over the children's area of Kavarna...and pandemonium ensues!

I tried on an Ergo carrier...and I should have grabbed the Mai Tei to give it a try but I didn't think about it at the time.  I did put LO on my back in a back wrap, but she truly hates the process of of getting wrapped onto my back, so I'm really tempted to give a Mai Tei a try!  We got a lot of looks from the rest of the guest in the restaurant while we were trying on our different wraps. 

The other day when I was looking for some pictures I found this one of me and Jake..16 years ago..you can't see him cause he's in the sling!

I look like a baby in this picture..and man..were those glasses big.  My friend sitting next to me was from La Leche League and she really helped me get a good start nursing Jake...Those days seem so long ago..

Topic of the Day: MEN!

I want to talk about men..it seems to be the topic today..Whitney over at Not Merely a Momma talked about her husbands feet and Tiffany (@MomNom) blogged at Scary Mommy about neutering her husband.  I want to talk about how frustrating men can be sometimes...

They fart, belch, leave their dirty socks all over the house, and never put the toilet seat down.  They scratch their privates and pick their butts..and when you bend over to pick something up they butt check you!  (Butt checking is..when they thrust their pelvis into your tush I hate that!!)  I can barely tolerate those things, but I think its programmed in to their DNA so what else can you expect..what I can't tolerate is when grandpa does things just to annoy me.

Like when the LO is sleeping, he comes in and makes loud noises seemingly wanting to wake her up.  I just want to slap him upside the head...I am terrified that she'll wake up and then I'll have to spend hours getting her back to sleep..I threaten him with death if he wakes her but he just smiles and acts like its no big deal.

The other thing he does that pisses me off (I can get pissy pretty easily) is when he brings me the LO with a poopy diaper.  He just smiles and leaves her in my lap..I'm mean jeez..its just a dirty diaper..clean the damn thing.  Poor baby having to wait for me to do it!  I have been half tempted to leave a dirty diaper in his car, just to prove the point..don't mess with the GiGi!

Wordless Wednesday

GiGi (That's what I call myself in front of LO) is gonna be 41 at the end of the month..people are always asking me what I want..so for Wordless Wednesday I'm showing my list!!

Well Behaved Women

Vermont Leaves Copper BabyBasics LINEN Superwide Pleated baby Ring Sling

Racer Girl Socks

French Butter Dish

BPD and Visit Days

Today is Monday and like I have for the last month, I've gotten my LO up, dressed and ready for a visit to see her birth mom.  I never know if the visit is going to happen.  Sometimes I find out 5 minutes before the pick up time that the visit is canceled.  Sometimes my LO goes on the visit and they call me an hour later and say they are bring the LO back.  But the flexibility of the visitation isn't what bothers me the most...

What bothers me most is the fact that my LO is being taken to someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and that person is not getting the help that she needs to manage her disease.

The mental health community isn't quite sure how to manage BPD.  People who are diagnosed with BPD are usually placed on some sort of psychiatric medicine that is used to help control the symptoms of Bi-Polar Depression like Lithium or Zoloft.  Since the problem of BPD isn't a chemical one, its an attachment issue, these drugs do nothing really to help the underline disease of BPD.
There is one therapy that seems to be effective its called Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT).  DBT is a therapy that teaches people with BPD how to regulate their emotions by using distress tolerance, acceptance, and mindful awareness. (A la Buddhism)  Though it doesn't "cure" the disease of Borderline Personality Disorder, it helps people who suffer from the illness to overcome the fear of loss of attachment.  (To read more about DBT you can read Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder by Marsha Linehan the developer of the therapy)

DBT requires a long-term commitment from the Borderline Personality sufferer and, if still intact, the family members.  I say the family if its still intact because living with a BPD sufferer is difficult. 
Here is an example of what we have lived with...

     The BPD sufferer wants a family member to bring them something, this something could be as little as she wants a sweater, the family member who has other plans says no, the sufferer becomes dysregulated and loses control, she throws a fit, she says mean things, she may get physical.  In her mind the family member has failed to live up to their end of the attachment bargain.  The sufferer, who is in pain, feels that her world is ending.  

Because these fits of dysregulation tend to be vicious and irrational to others its is hard for the family members to remain attached.  On top of these fits of dysregulation, there are other issues, BPD sufferers are trying to stop the pain so they tend to drink or use drugs.  They tend to be promiscuous because all they want is to attach to someone.  These choices can be tough on families and any attempt at helping the BPD sufferer can be seen as a negative in the BPD sufferer's eyes.

So if the DBT therapy is helpful, you'd think that the mental health community would be all over it, right?  It's not.  Since BPD is a difficult illness to manage, most therapists avoid treating these people.  Another reason is that there aren't a lot of therapist who are trained in the DBT technique.  The technique requires the therapist to do a lot of follow-up and follow through.  It requires the therapist and the BPD sufferer to commit to a long term commitment, and finally if DBT technique fails the blame is placed on the therapist not the patient. 

Again, this is an attachment issue.  Somewhere along the way the BPD sufferer either didn't attach to their caregiver properly or that attachment was broken.  This is why it is so important that we as parents work hard to ensure our infants attach to us properly and that we learn how to work through our own attachment issues.  There are a lot of us who were raised during the time of Dr. Spock and our parents were told to allow us to CIO.  A good book to read about attachment focused parenting is Attachment-Focused Parenting: Effective Strategies to Care for Children  by Daniel Hughes.  It is kind of technical but it has several chapters on how to deal with your own attachment issues. 

So where does this leave us?  I have asked if there is the possibility of enrolling the birth mom in DBT, but the closest therapist is 2 hours away and there is a waiting list.  So, my LO's birth mother is being treated with prescriptions that don't really work and is left unable to deal with her fear of lose of attachment unaided.  This causes a variety of issues...There are false accusations about the care I give my LO.  There are fits, yelling and the threat of physical aggression.
And there is a LO that is dropped off at my house who is dysregulated and confused.  It takes hours for me to get her regulated again so she realizes that we are still attached.  Visit days require lots of babywearing!

Attachment Parenting

16 years ago I took steps to become an attachment parent.
I was raising my ex-husband's 4 year old daughter at the time and I was struggling.  Every thing I did was wrong for her.  She lied, she stole food, she argued about everything.  I was at my wits end.
My precious step-daughter was suffering from an attachment issue.
It took awhile, but I finally got pregnant.  I knew I was going to breastfeed so I started attending LLL.  That's where I got my first issue of Mothering Magazine and came across an article that discussed Jean Liedoff's book The Continuum Concept: In Search Of Happiness Lost (Classics in Human Development).  I couldn't find the book but I did find Jean and called her to see if she could give me help with my step-daughter.  I couldn't afford her consultation fee but she sent me a copy of her book, which then put me on the path of becoming an attached parent.
Armed with The Continuum Concept, Dr. Sears The Baby Book and numerous issues of Mothering Magazine I set out on my quest to make sure my son and I became attached.  I was known in the neighborhood as the crazy mom.  I breastfed until my son was 2 even though my ex-husband objected, I used cloth diapers, I defied the doctors and co-slept with my son. 
The biggest thing I did that turned everyone's head was I wore my son.  I think I was the only mom on Mountain Home Air Force Base that wore her baby.  You could find me walking down the aisle of the commissary with my son in his ring sling.
I was CRUNCHY back before it was called crunchy!
Fast forward to now...My son is shy but he is a caring, kind young man with good manners.  He gets good grades, he's a cautious driver, he is rarely contentious.  He's a good kid, and I'm proud of him and the adult he is becoming.  
When I explained to him that we would be bringing a little baby girl into our lives he commented that we didn't have very good luck with girls.  He has two "sisters" and they haven't turned out so well.
My response to him was that I didn't get a chance to raise his sisters from birth, that they came into our lives already slightly damaged.  He shook his head and went back to reading his book.
I have brought a newborn into his life and he has stepped up to the plate.  He starts the dishwasher if its full, he mows the lawn without me asking, he told me that if I need help he's here to help me-all I have to do is ask.
Is this all because of attachment parenting?  I don't know but I'd like to think so!
I do know this, the little girl that's laying beside me sleeping is going to get the same chance that my son did 16 years ago.  I can't breastfeed, but I can wear my LO everyday and make sure that she learns how to properly bond with her caregiver.
I can give her the one thing that will affect her life forever whether she spends it with me or is placed back with her birth mother.  I can give her the gift of ATTACHMENT and it seems to me that is the most important thing a baby can be given.

Oh...it's Thursday

Someone on my twitter feed asked if I had a blog.  The answer was yes but I never blog, though I feel like I have so many useless things to say.
After the last big change in my life, a la bringing a newborn in to my home, I fully intended to connect with others using my words, but heck if I can find the time.
So I thought..oh I could start off easy with pictures cause its "Wordless Wednesday". 

My son Jake, dog Max and Me!

Myself and Baby

Imagine my surprise when I sat down that it was no longer Wednesday but somewhere I had moved on to Thursday and I'm now pushing Friday..Where did the time go?  Why does time speed up the older you get? 
Well, I have a baby on my lap, my Chai tea is cold and if I'm going to get any sleep tonight I'd better get my face washed.  Tomorrow is another day!