Bodhi Day and Anger Management

Since today is Bodhi Day, which is the Buddhist holiday to commemorates the enlightenment of the Siddhartha, I thought I'd talk a little bit about mindful breathing and anger management...

When I was younger..as in about 10 years ago..I had a temper that could start a fire as quick as wink. I could be described as being quick to anger and quick to forget. I've noticed that the older I've gotten, the better able I am at controlling my temper. (Either that or I just don't care anymore.) Unfortunately, over the last few weeks the flames of my fiery temper have been stroked more frequently and they are burning bright.

Little One has not been feeling well the last few days..which leads to a fussy, crying, screaming baby that seems to be inconsolable..which leads GiGi to be grumpy, impatient, and frustrated. In the logical part of my mind, I'm telling myself..there is something wrong with LO, she is either hungry, in pain, overly tired, or over stimulated (dysregulated) and as her GiGi, it is my job to figure out what is wrong. BUT.....my reptile brain just wants to scream, yell, run away, and be ANGRY...and resentful.

In the current issue of Mothering Magazine there's an article called Managing Mama Rage by Tera Freese. In the article she talks about how to take care of your anger and how to deal with a fiery temper. She gives some techniques about how to breath through your anger.

Tonight, as soon as I got LO home from SO's shop she started fussing, then it escalated to screaming uncontrollably. I got her to sleep while walking her around in the sling and laid her down, but she woke up about 5 minutes later, only to scream some more. Nothing I did seemed to make her feel better...I kept thinking about the article and the breathing techniques that she recommended..well..I couldn't remember a darn one of them...so I just started he'ing..you know that breath they teach you in Lamaze..the “he he” breath..

Did it work?..well LO was startled at the strange sound so for about 2 minutes she stopped crying but once she figured out that it wasn't a risk to her, she began screaming louder then I was he'ing. Did it help me? It did help me to be more present..and to recognize that I was quickly losing my patience. I was about to the point of laying her down in the crib and walking away (to the Bahamas) but part of me doesn't want her to feel abandoned.

SO finally got home, to find me sitting on the couch with a half naked baby (I started stripping off her clothes thinking she may be hot or just something different might stop the screaming) on the verge of tears.

Where am I going with this?? well, I guess as a good mother, it is our responsibility to recognize where our rope ends...and to realize that we don't always have to tie a knot at the end of it. We can let go of the rope...as long as we don't hurt ourselves or others, its okay to face our anger. It's okay to ask for help, it's okay to leave the baby someplace safe and take a breather. Slap on the earphones and listen to some Metallica (BTW, I had to look up how to spell Metallica, cause I don't listen to them normally). It's even okay to say to LO..I'm angry, I need a break, I love you. It doesn't make us bad parents, it actually makes us better humans.

What techniques do you use to take care of your temper? And what do you do when you've reached the end of your rope?

National Blog Posting Month

So I got this great idea to do National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo.org) but the thought of typing 50,000 words was overwhelming.  Then one of my twitter friends, Emily at Joyful Abode, asked if any of us were participating in National Blog Posting Month and I thought...I might not be able to write a novel, but I sure as heck could write a blog post once a day..little did I know that on the second day I'd be floundering...its almost 11pm here and I'm finally just sitting down!

I have been struggling now for about 20 minutes about what to write...I'm lost..all I can think about is how much I want to turn off the computer and lay down next my little charge and read myself to sleep..So I guess I will tell you what I have been reading the last few days! 

I have been re-reading Buddha Mom by Jacqueline Kramer.  This book is about mothering with a Buddhist persepective and being mindful about mothering your children.

A friend recommended I read The Buddha & The Borderline by Kiera Van Gelder. This one is about Kiera who has the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder and how she went through Dialectical Behavior Therapy to help her minimize the symptoms of her disease.  

And finally my fun book that I have been reading is Spinning Forward by Terri DuLong.  I just started this book and I'm finding quite interesting.  So far it's about a woman whose husband died in a car accident, leaving her to discover he had a secret life. 

Okay..well..that's all for today..I guess I can say I have successfully posted a blog..GOOOOO MEEEEEEE!

BPD and Visit Days

Today is Monday and like I have for the last month, I've gotten my LO up, dressed and ready for a visit to see her birth mom.  I never know if the visit is going to happen.  Sometimes I find out 5 minutes before the pick up time that the visit is canceled.  Sometimes my LO goes on the visit and they call me an hour later and say they are bring the LO back.  But the flexibility of the visitation isn't what bothers me the most...

What bothers me most is the fact that my LO is being taken to someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and that person is not getting the help that she needs to manage her disease.

The mental health community isn't quite sure how to manage BPD.  People who are diagnosed with BPD are usually placed on some sort of psychiatric medicine that is used to help control the symptoms of Bi-Polar Depression like Lithium or Zoloft.  Since the problem of BPD isn't a chemical one, its an attachment issue, these drugs do nothing really to help the underline disease of BPD.
There is one therapy that seems to be effective its called Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT).  DBT is a therapy that teaches people with BPD how to regulate their emotions by using distress tolerance, acceptance, and mindful awareness. (A la Buddhism)  Though it doesn't "cure" the disease of Borderline Personality Disorder, it helps people who suffer from the illness to overcome the fear of loss of attachment.  (To read more about DBT you can read Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder by Marsha Linehan the developer of the therapy)

DBT requires a long-term commitment from the Borderline Personality sufferer and, if still intact, the family members.  I say the family if its still intact because living with a BPD sufferer is difficult. 
Here is an example of what we have lived with...

     The BPD sufferer wants a family member to bring them something, this something could be as little as she wants a sweater, the family member who has other plans says no, the sufferer becomes dysregulated and loses control, she throws a fit, she says mean things, she may get physical.  In her mind the family member has failed to live up to their end of the attachment bargain.  The sufferer, who is in pain, feels that her world is ending.  

Because these fits of dysregulation tend to be vicious and irrational to others its is hard for the family members to remain attached.  On top of these fits of dysregulation, there are other issues, BPD sufferers are trying to stop the pain so they tend to drink or use drugs.  They tend to be promiscuous because all they want is to attach to someone.  These choices can be tough on families and any attempt at helping the BPD sufferer can be seen as a negative in the BPD sufferer's eyes.

So if the DBT therapy is helpful, you'd think that the mental health community would be all over it, right?  It's not.  Since BPD is a difficult illness to manage, most therapists avoid treating these people.  Another reason is that there aren't a lot of therapist who are trained in the DBT technique.  The technique requires the therapist to do a lot of follow-up and follow through.  It requires the therapist and the BPD sufferer to commit to a long term commitment, and finally if DBT technique fails the blame is placed on the therapist not the patient. 

Again, this is an attachment issue.  Somewhere along the way the BPD sufferer either didn't attach to their caregiver properly or that attachment was broken.  This is why it is so important that we as parents work hard to ensure our infants attach to us properly and that we learn how to work through our own attachment issues.  There are a lot of us who were raised during the time of Dr. Spock and our parents were told to allow us to CIO.  A good book to read about attachment focused parenting is Attachment-Focused Parenting: Effective Strategies to Care for Children  by Daniel Hughes.  It is kind of technical but it has several chapters on how to deal with your own attachment issues. 

So where does this leave us?  I have asked if there is the possibility of enrolling the birth mom in DBT, but the closest therapist is 2 hours away and there is a waiting list.  So, my LO's birth mother is being treated with prescriptions that don't really work and is left unable to deal with her fear of lose of attachment unaided.  This causes a variety of issues...There are false accusations about the care I give my LO.  There are fits, yelling and the threat of physical aggression.
And there is a LO that is dropped off at my house who is dysregulated and confused.  It takes hours for me to get her regulated again so she realizes that we are still attached.  Visit days require lots of babywearing!