the end

So this tonight is the end of the decade...we are moving into the adolescent years of the 21st century.
If you'd asked me last year what my life would look like in a year I wouldn't have guessed I'd be called GiGi, or sharing a bed with LO.

I knew my son would be driving but I didn't think he'd be hanging out with the girls basketball team...videotaping games..

I never imagined I'd be listening to kids music again, or learning sign language, or using cloth diapers

 

or going to LLL again, or babywearing...

or using a exersaucer

But I am, and I'm enjoying every minute of it...even though I've had to drop LO off at the jail so she can have a visit or had unwelcome visitors at my house for hours on end. I even blogged everyday for a month. I've made new friends like Jennie and Beth (who supplied my babywearing fetish) and Lisa and all the Green Bay babywearers. Or Tara (@wolf_mommy) or Curtis (@blackgaykendoll)!

I hope in the next year, it gets finalized so that LO gets to stay with us permanently. That my son decides where he wants to go to college, that everyone has a good year.

Terrific Tuesdays!

So yesterday at 8:30am I got a phone call from the LO's social worker saying that our home care coordinator called in sick so they were canceling the visit with the LO's birth mom this morning..I'm like wh..wh..wh..what?  I had no idea that there was even a visit scheduled..baby wasn't ready that's for sure!  Then she says..oh maybe I forgot to call you.  What the hell?  BTW..I'm not a crazy planner, but I do like an idea of what I'm going to be doing so that I can make sure we are where we need to be or else I begin to get resentful.  But geez..a little earlier notice would have been nice. 

Visits with mom were canceled two weeks ago since she was incarcerated again..but they will be starting up again so LO will be taking her first trip to the county jail next week.  I'm not quite sure that jail is good for 10 week olds, but..it's all about the momma! 

I also found out that baby's daddy has gone to court and established paternity and now would like some visits..which brings up some issues in my mind because daddy doesn't have a job, a car, or a place to live.  Dad is entitled to two visits a week, but who the hell knows where the they'll be at cuz coming to see her here is out..did I say that daddy is homeless?  I did say I was willing to help facilitate some visits, which means that I will taking LO to see him (library?) and then hang out while he visits.   But its all about the daddy!

So now once visits get going there will be a visit once week for mom, two visits a week for dad, and one visit a week for grandma.  Visits for mom and dad will be happening during regular business hours and the social worker doesn't really want a mom and dad visit on the same day..I'm like when the hell am I supposed to work?  But it's all about the birth parents!

And yes I'm frackin' bitter but this is my blog so just get over it! and don't be commenting about it being all about placement back with the birth parents cause I know what the goal is..I'm just being bitter!

I know that a perfect world, mommy and daddy will get their damn acts together and in a period of a few months get out of jail, find a job, get an apartment, and become stable so that LO can move back in with her birth parents, but come on..daddy already has three kids that don't live with him..oh wait that's cuz daddy doesn't have an place or a job. Mommy is a felon with severe mental health issues..When does CPS say NO, enough! We've found a place for your LO and you can still be involved with her life, since its a family member..but you have lost your right to decide her future! When is it about the Little One?

I have to wonder if this is why we have so many kids in the foster care system.  The goal of CPS is placement back into the biological parents home..but if there are so many negatives how can you get to the positive? And when you repeatedly pull a child from their biological parents and place them in foster care homes when do you say enough?  If a child is removed more then twice do you say enough?  And what help are we giving these parents before, during and after replacement?  When do we as a society that wants productive citizens say ENOUGH?

BPD and Visit Days

Today is Monday and like I have for the last month, I've gotten my LO up, dressed and ready for a visit to see her birth mom.  I never know if the visit is going to happen.  Sometimes I find out 5 minutes before the pick up time that the visit is canceled.  Sometimes my LO goes on the visit and they call me an hour later and say they are bring the LO back.  But the flexibility of the visitation isn't what bothers me the most...

What bothers me most is the fact that my LO is being taken to someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and that person is not getting the help that she needs to manage her disease.

The mental health community isn't quite sure how to manage BPD.  People who are diagnosed with BPD are usually placed on some sort of psychiatric medicine that is used to help control the symptoms of Bi-Polar Depression like Lithium or Zoloft.  Since the problem of BPD isn't a chemical one, its an attachment issue, these drugs do nothing really to help the underline disease of BPD.
There is one therapy that seems to be effective its called Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT).  DBT is a therapy that teaches people with BPD how to regulate their emotions by using distress tolerance, acceptance, and mindful awareness. (A la Buddhism)  Though it doesn't "cure" the disease of Borderline Personality Disorder, it helps people who suffer from the illness to overcome the fear of loss of attachment.  (To read more about DBT you can read Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder by Marsha Linehan the developer of the therapy)

DBT requires a long-term commitment from the Borderline Personality sufferer and, if still intact, the family members.  I say the family if its still intact because living with a BPD sufferer is difficult. 
Here is an example of what we have lived with...

     The BPD sufferer wants a family member to bring them something, this something could be as little as she wants a sweater, the family member who has other plans says no, the sufferer becomes dysregulated and loses control, she throws a fit, she says mean things, she may get physical.  In her mind the family member has failed to live up to their end of the attachment bargain.  The sufferer, who is in pain, feels that her world is ending.  

Because these fits of dysregulation tend to be vicious and irrational to others its is hard for the family members to remain attached.  On top of these fits of dysregulation, there are other issues, BPD sufferers are trying to stop the pain so they tend to drink or use drugs.  They tend to be promiscuous because all they want is to attach to someone.  These choices can be tough on families and any attempt at helping the BPD sufferer can be seen as a negative in the BPD sufferer's eyes.

So if the DBT therapy is helpful, you'd think that the mental health community would be all over it, right?  It's not.  Since BPD is a difficult illness to manage, most therapists avoid treating these people.  Another reason is that there aren't a lot of therapist who are trained in the DBT technique.  The technique requires the therapist to do a lot of follow-up and follow through.  It requires the therapist and the BPD sufferer to commit to a long term commitment, and finally if DBT technique fails the blame is placed on the therapist not the patient. 

Again, this is an attachment issue.  Somewhere along the way the BPD sufferer either didn't attach to their caregiver properly or that attachment was broken.  This is why it is so important that we as parents work hard to ensure our infants attach to us properly and that we learn how to work through our own attachment issues.  There are a lot of us who were raised during the time of Dr. Spock and our parents were told to allow us to CIO.  A good book to read about attachment focused parenting is Attachment-Focused Parenting: Effective Strategies to Care for Children  by Daniel Hughes.  It is kind of technical but it has several chapters on how to deal with your own attachment issues. 

So where does this leave us?  I have asked if there is the possibility of enrolling the birth mom in DBT, but the closest therapist is 2 hours away and there is a waiting list.  So, my LO's birth mother is being treated with prescriptions that don't really work and is left unable to deal with her fear of lose of attachment unaided.  This causes a variety of issues...There are false accusations about the care I give my LO.  There are fits, yelling and the threat of physical aggression.
And there is a LO that is dropped off at my house who is dysregulated and confused.  It takes hours for me to get her regulated again so she realizes that we are still attached.  Visit days require lots of babywearing!